His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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