jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
