I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
