he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My vagina just clenched in fear
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
