Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
