I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
