woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
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