I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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