I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
