Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
