I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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