Even the bartender felt bad for me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
