I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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