Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
