Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
