sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
