theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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