Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
