I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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