I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
