tell your sister to shave her snatch
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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