It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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