we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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