There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
