in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
