I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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