I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
