i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
