you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
