Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
