I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
