if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We are two peas in an std pod
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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