I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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