I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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