I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
