Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
