There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
