I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
