My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
