Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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