i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
