That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
