omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
