I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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