well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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