remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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