If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
