I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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