my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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