My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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