Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
