I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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