wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
